Welcome to The Not So Morning Show’s first Guy Walks Into.
Where our guy, Guy, goes out and gets some answers to some of his in depth questions,
The week Guy had been chasing down the United States National Soccer Club, as they played in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Where he happened across an information booth…

Futbol Consultant: Welcome to the World Cup Soccer information center, I am here to get you up to date with your National Team, how can I help you this evening?

GUY: Thank you, I have to be honest, I am really not sure this is for me, my niece and nephew play soccer back home, each has a room full of trophies for just for participating!
I also have a buddy from Holland who is pushing Netherlands hard, he is not from Holland but has a long lost relative or something, kind of embarrassing I never knew, he doesn’t even wear those wooden shoes.
Hey I’m kidding, why the harsh stare? My name is Guy, “Big Game” Guy to my friends. Haven’t missed a playoff game back home in any sport since the ’95 baseball strike, and that wasn’t my fault. Sports is what I live for, nothing gets past this Guy. So what is it exactly that I am missing here with soccer? Is there an unwritten rule regarding scoring?

FC: Your home country, I take it sir, is the United States?

photo credit: loop_oh via photopin cc

GUY: USA, USA, USA… I love doing that! Yes it is, obvious huh?

FC: Right, yes it is sir, obvious. Also a very recognizable chant, from your hockey game in 1980 of course, congratulations. Unfortunately, the Americans have been been eliminated from this World Cup by losing to Belgium.

GUY: I know, I watched the game, every minute of it thrilled me, the excitement was as electric as anything I have ever witnessed in my life, if I live another 50 years it will remain the greatest sporting event I ever saw.

FC: Well there you go! I am pleased you have been able to experience the thrill of futbol, the sport is…

GUY: Hold your horses, I was speaking of that USA-USSR hockey game of ’80, wow. Oh, but the soccer game, I caught most of it. funny thing I was in the parking lot looking for my car when it ended… well, I was in the parking lot when each of the 3 goals were scored.
You guys should run your overtime or two minute offense the entire game, we do that with our football, it really livens things up, I mean dude I watch 90 something minutes of zero to zero, and three goals are scored by the time I reached the highway.

FC: Excuse me? You missed the end of the game?

GUY: Yeah, well I had to beat traffic on the way home, we didn’t plan for an entire day, then extra time, and overtime became hey, look at the time.
Like I said, I watched most of it, had a little get together planned with some friends for weeks, didn’t catch the conflict in our schedule until game day itself.

SC: Oh yes, of course, the traffic. Sir exactly what can I assist you with this morning.

GUY: Who are the players that I am rooting for? Where are these guys from?

SC: They are Americans who play all over the world, in South America, Europe, and here in the United States professional soccer players, among the…

GUY: Americans? Are you certain? I haven’t heard of any of these guys, except for Donovan, and only ’cause his dad had a rock band in the 60’s, maybe it was his grandad. That’s pretty cool, do you suppose he could fall back on that as a second career? And the goalie, what’s his name.

FC: That was a different Donov… ah, let’s move on, Your country’s top players are brought together every four years to compete for the World Cup.

GUY: Yeah, I get that, a bunch of all-stars, kind of like the National Football League Pro Bowl? Or Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game? I can tell you from experience, that format don’t float, not every year anyway, but I like the every four idea, then we could vote, anyway, I just don’t know where you are going to find “Dream Talent” for this game. I once had a football coach who called soccer “communist football”. I personally am a little suspect of anything that makes my opposable thumb useless after all the time spent developing it, just for a replacement sport.

FC: Soccer sir, or futbol as it is known to the rest of the world, is not a replacement for anything, the game has been played for centuries all over every continent.

GUY: Not in my neighborhood, geez half the games we played when I was a kid you can’t even refer to by name anymore, dodgeball, butts up, smear the k…

FC: Please sir, soccer has stopped wars, in the Christmas Truce of 1914, and it has started wars, well… the game was attached to the Soccer War of 1969 fought between El Salvador and Honduras, later referred to as “The 100 Hour War. Again sir, Is there any information I may offer you.

GUY: Hey, If I were at war and somebody asked me to vote, for one a game of soccer, or two to do nothing or three, fight today.
I believe soccer and to do nothing would have split the vote. Kind of ironic isn’t it, soccer tying with doing nothing! Is there any record of anyone scoring in that 1914 game?
As for the Soccer War of ’69, the 100 Hour War could have acquired that moniker because it felt like a soccer game.

FC: Now you are starting to get a bit belligerent sir. There are players from countries who are so widely renowned as to be known by a single name.

GUY: Have you heard of Michael, Magic, Larry, Kobe, Lebron, “The Great Bambino“, those guys are known every where. I don’t see them hobnobbing with soccer players. How many of them come to the states and become stars?
I will give you Beckham, but I wouldn’t have known who he was if he didn’t marry a Spice Girl.

FC: Sir to correct you, the great bambino is not a singular name. Some of the worlds famous soccer stars include Ronaldo, Neymar, Fred, Kléberson…

GUY: Fine, switch the Great Bambino to the Sultan of Swat!
Hey, wait a minute, Fred’s here? Fred is just three doors down and across the road, such an unassuming man. Wow. He borrowed a lawn mower months ago, who is he playing with? That old son of a gun, up to this point the most famous Fred I’d known was Flintstone. I can’t believe it, Fred!
The Donovan thing while you have him, they called him “Mellow Yellow… Quite right”, and I come all this way to find that Fred is playing? He never even mentioned it.

FC: I feel pretty strongly we are speaking of different Fred’s, and Donovan is no relation to…

GUY: It’s all about the marketing, Donovan and Fred!
The rules of the game could also use some massaging, make it more offense friendly the way we have in the states. Raise the goal posts, change the hands thing, hands open up scoring, people come to see scoring.
Put a hole in the back of the net, it saves time and creates more scoring, look what it did for basketball, which has a flopping rule now you should also look into.
What if the goalie was be the only player on the field not allowed to use his hands?

FC: Sir, could you come back tomorrow? We are closing, I must leave, and tomorrow will be my day off.

GUY: One last thing, wouldn’t it be something if Fred had a teammate named Barney?

FC: Yes it would sir, very… good night.

-Mike Lips

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