The Fn Award

The Fn Award
Recognizing Excellence in the Art of Making Something Out of Absolutely Nothing

Behold: Floccinaucinihilipilification—a word so pointlessly long it practically wins its own award. It’s Latin for “the act of deciding something is worthless,” which is fitting, because the Fn Awards exist to glorify those rare individuals who can take a whole lot of nothing and spin it into dramatic, attention-seeking gold.

These prestigious-ish awards are open to literally anyone who can turn a molehill into a televised mountain. Have you written a blog post about your sock-folding technique? Organized a candlelight vigil for your dying houseplant? Made your breakfast cereal part of your personal brand? Congratulations, you’re overqualified.

At the shamelessly over-the-top Fn Awards Ceremony, we honor legends in categories such as:

• Best Use of Hyperbole in a Non-Life-Threatening Situation

• Most Creative Explanation for Something Nobody Asked About

• Lifetime Achievement in Ignoring the Obvious

This is your chance to finally be recognized for what your coworkers politely ignore: your ability to treat every minor inconvenience or personality quirk like it belongs in a memoir. Nominate yourself or that one friend who insists their Excel spreadsheet is a “living document of their soul.”

Expanded Categories of the Fn Awards:

(aka “Recognizing Excellence in the Art of Making Something Out of Absolutely Nothing”)

POLITICS DIVISION

Because no one floccinaucinihilipilificates quite like an elected official.

• Best Use of a Scandal to Distract from Literally Anything Else

• Lifetime Achievement in Finger-Pointing

• Most Dramatic Reading of a Teleprompter Statement

• Best Unchecked Tweet Leading to Real-World Consequences

• Most Impressive Ability to Talk Without Saying Anything

CELEBRITY EDITION

Recognizing those who bravely turned daily errands into global media events.

• Best Use of Paparazzi to Promote a Wellness Brand

• Most Inspirational Overreaction to Being Slightly Inconvenienced

• Achievement in Turning a Breakup Into a Four-Part Podcast

• Best Dramatic Pause During a TikTok Apology

• Most Overstated Red Carpet Pose Featuring Zero Context

MEDIA & INFLUENCER CIRCUS

For those who report, repost, and repackage the spectacle.

• Best “Breaking News” About Something That Isn’t News

• Most Egregious Use of Clickbait in a Headline

• Outstanding Achievement in Making Everything About The Algorithm

• Lifetime Subscription to Saying ‘Let Me Know in the Comments!’

• Best Emotional Reaction Thumbnail That Has Nothing to Do with the Video

THE FN LEGACY HONORS

For cultural titans who’ve been making the trivial seem important for decades.

• The “Golden Shrug” Hall of Fame Induction

• Most Likely to Be Interviewed About Absolutely Nothing

• Distinguished Career in Acting Like You Invented That Trend

• The ‘Main Character of the Internet for 24 Hours’ Ribbon

Throughout the year, our Floccinaucinihilipilification nominees will be featured on The Not So Morning Show—a deeply unserious celebration of the art of overstatement, underachievement, and unnecessary capitalization.

So go ahead. Drop your nominee below. Let’s see who’s got what it takes to earn the sacred, barely-coveted honor of: “Here’s Your Fn Award!”

Because if you’re going to make a fuss about nothing… at least make it award-winning.